THEY WANT HIM BACK!!!!

"NEVER IN THE FIELD OF DISPATCHING WAS SO MUCH OWED BY SO MANY TO JUST ONE GEEZER"
And now they want their controller back.
Cylone riders pleading their case on the wall of the freight lift in Greater London House.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

That one is a french driver:

"Red lights are like queues.They are for people who have time to waste."

And while we are at it,that one is from Glasgow:

"Oi!Do you know what a red light means?
Aye,it means your mum's back in business"


Meanwhile back in Big Smoke:

"I'm thinking of going ahead with becoming a bike messenger and was just wandering if having a driving license is a requisite?
No,although you will be needing an off-license"

P R I C E L E S S !!!!!!

LONDONS CALLING

Londons calling!!!

Where? London? Yes! London!You know:fish,chips,cup of tea,bad food,worst weather,Marry fucking Poppins.LONDON!!!


We better see you over here or you are F**KED!!!

TRACKSTANDS FRIDAY THE 13TH-RESULTS

Due to presence of VERY unfriendly coppers we had to abandon the idea of taking over either Broadwick street by Nat Mag post room or Defour's place.Instead it all hapenned on the stinky site of Berwick street market.Competitors who lined up on uneven pavement had to face the road and dodge pedestrians passing behind them and there wasn't really much space-real urban trackstands.
27 competitors registered,I think only 24 or 25 actually did trackstand.We only got as far as no hands.
Kamil was the last man standing,second place goes to Vojtek,third to Ted.Not a single female competed.Winner went home with 27 quid in cash and a very nice woolen jersey sponsored by Jos,Vojtek got a Pistard t-shirt from House of Pistard and Ted got a Brixton Pista t-shirt.
We may have another competition next friday.Rather not in Soho this time.



FIRST PLACE-KAMIL


SECOND PLACE-VOJTEK

MILLPOCALYPSE NOW

There's not a shadow of a doubt:the most extreme messenger event ever.EVER!
The first time I have been told about the Millportpoloco at the ECMC in Basel.The list of casualties was quite impressive and included:one case of hypotermia,at least one case of serious burns,broken bones,couple of couriers missing in action and the off license expedition being chased by the audience of a country and western gig.That was the very first Millportpoloco which sadly i have missed.
Then there was last years poloco,the report from which you can find here.
Not even in the slightest less extreme than the first poloco,that one started with the street kierin in Glasgow(going wrong way around a roundabout,with real traffic including a cop car,and particularly vicious parked cars attacking some riders) and finished with pirate alleycat on the island of Great Cumbrae-the last checkpoint was on the next island,racers had to swim there to complete the race.I GAVE UP DRINKING AFTER THAT WEEKEND!!!!
This years third edition of Millportpoloco-quite rightly called Millpocalypse-in conjunction with CMCW in Dublin should be a fine,wet,drunken and deep fried celtic holiday.
The official Millportpoloco web site is here.
My pictures from last year are here
So what should be expected this year?Lets see:

Rain? - TICK



Customized track bikes? - TICK



Deep fried pizza? - TICK



Sea and tropical swamp food restaurant? - TICK


Don't fancy deep fried aligator?There's local cuisine too.Deep fried haggis? - TICK



Need even more cholesterol?What's the problem!Battered deep fried pizza? - TICK



What does one do with all that food?Throw it up on yourself,of course.NYC made vomit bag? - TICK



The surgery is there and they even deal with the gun wounds.Residents of Hackney will feel safer than at home.999 EMERGENCY? - TICK

TRACKSTANDS FRIDAY THE 13TH

Sometimes after 7pm.Somewhere in Soho.Meet at The John Snow.Actually i work till 9pm so its all in Ian's hands.So hassle him.
Same rules:1 quid to enter,winner takes it all.No feet on the front wheel etc.
Fantastic HOUSE OF PISTARD has promised some apparel for prizes again.And I may chuck in one of the BRIXTON PISTA tees.
Don't bother googling in search for them coz they ain't there.Got like 5 left so if you want one,be quick and talk to me.Damage=£10

7/7/7 TRACKSTANDS RESULTS

While the overpaid riders were finishing their race just across the river,we had 20 people competing in track standing.Unfortunatelly the full results are lost in the depths of Ian's clipboard,but here are the last people standing:
Wee Scott was the winner,scorring 22 pounds in cash.Creative Couriers' fastest telephonist not only was late but also had to borrow a bike to enter the competition.Shared second place goes to American Mike and Kamil-I'm not sure who fell off first.anyway they both lasted at least 30-40 seconds into no hands one foot.The last standing female is Justyna who got a PISTARD tee shirt donated by THE HOUSE OF PISTARD.
Next trackstand competition is this coming FRIDAY THE 13TH after work at THE JOHN SNOW.
Competition is open to everyone:messengers and non messengers,fakengers and non fakengers.The rules are simple:
two wheels to track stand,one quid to enter.WINNER TAKES IT ALL.
See yours at THE SNOW.
Shots of winners are below.More pictures here

Murderous pieces of machinery.

A little quiz.Bob Oddy from the LONDON TAXI DRIVERS ASSOCIATION,the lovely chap he is.Here he goes:
"Those vehicles are a death trap,cause a menance to other road users and should be abandoned atogether.It is only a metter of time before someone is killed.These are murderous pieces of machinery and should not be allowed on the streets"
What is Bob Oddy lamenting about???

A little bit more about black cab drivers

This is pretty much continuation of my angry post from few days ago.Well,now,you know what I do think about London's black cab drivers.I reckon that my view is shared by every single person who works on a bicycle in London.And quite possibly by most of the people who do cycle in London.
But what does the average person think of London cabbies?Does Johnny Average like them?
Discovery Channel somehow managed to research that driving a black cab in London is the toughest job in the UK.Read more here.Now,that explains why are they so grumpy and violent.
Being a cycle messenger wasn't in the top 10 of shit jobs.Can't be that bad then....Bet that the next research will prove that they are underpaid too...Poor people.
Anyone familiar with the name Bill Bryson?I really like his writing,well most of it.This bit is taken from his book "Notes from a small island":
"Let me say right now that London cab drivers are,without question,the finest in the world.They're trustworthy,safe,generally friendly,always polite."
That pretty much sums it up.Very nice,hard working bunch.And safe too.
Well,not if you are a cyclist though."Notes from a small island" has got a simply scary bit about forcing a cyclist to ride into a lamppost.Page 44 in my edition from 1999.
Are you cycling Mr. Bryson?Too old and too fat?How about your kids?Or perhaps grand kids?Why not then let them have a little go on london's streets.Just a short ride.I'm sure within first 10 minutes someone will run their spotless,friendly,trustworthy and safe black cab into them.Someone who's driving skills are so superior that no indication or mirror check is needed.Oh and Mr Bryson,don't forget to check that your offspring does not wear helmets.We all know that 'those geeky slipstream helmets(...)all but invite you to knock him/her over".Scientifically proved too.
Now,don't take me wrong.I certainly don't think that every single one of london cabbies is a complete nutcase.judging by their road manners only about every 5 in 10.Also i have to say one thing:I have never ever been cut off or U- turned on by a female black cab driver.Shame there is so few of them.

Trackstands after LeTour

Forum Magnum square SE1.Look for the Belvedere road entrance to the County Hall.

NUTTERS!!!!

Today 5.30ish,going from Soho to Knightsbridge.Its pissing down with rain.Just passed the traffic lights at the Sloane street junction,when the guy on my right decides that he doesnt want to go to High street Ken.And he is turning right into me.Its really close.Too close.Swerve to the left and acceleration to avoid him.Loud WRRROOOOM and he is now on my left.He doesnt like me and he is getting closer and closer.His window is down so i shout 'Don't play with my life' and 'Learn how to drive'.He shouts back 'I'm gonna fuckin kill you'.He isn't kidding and he is getting even closer.There is a bus on my right,so nowhere to escape.His side mirror is now right on my handlebars.Its slippery,I'm going pretty fast and it all takes like 5-10 seconds.I slap his mirror,don't really need to move my hand to do it-its so close.I slap it lightly,won't cause any damage and hopefully that will scare him off.The cunt grabs my arm and pulls it as he is accelerating.My front wheel starts dancing on the wet road,there is a moving bus on my right-I'm shitting myself.Somehow didnt go under the bus.The cunt speeded off west,left me shaking for another hour...
Friday evening,Wells street heading down towards Soho.Just passed the lights at East Castle street when a black cab overtakes me.Overtakes where there isn't really enough room to overtake.Squeezed between the kerb and a taxi passing 2mm away from me.10 meters ahead he stops at Oxford street lights.I'm ahead of him again.Going to pick up the last job of the day,so no time for hostilities,gestures etc.We set off.On Berwick street there is absolutely not enough space to overtake,So that lovely chap is driving just behind me.I mean it- JUST behind me.I can feel his bumper on my wheel.From Oxford street to Darblay street.Thats what? Maybe 200 meters.The guy was decent enough not to actually run me over.THANX MATE.
Monday morning,its raining again.I'm on Waterloo road heading north.As I approach the rounabout I watch the oncoming traffic from the right waiting for that gap.And what do i see?A cabbie decides he needs to change the lane.He looks in the mirror-there is a motocyclist approaching on his left.What cabbie does?Yep,you knew it-he pulls the turn just in front of the motorcyclist.The poor fucker slams his brakes,Its wet so he skids sideways,miraculously not coming off.The cab driver didn't even blink his eye.As if nothing happened.
The grand Tour de France is coming to London.In front of me I have a guide to the Tour produced by Transport For London.Page 64,big advert-TRAVEL SAFE it says above a pic of a black cab and a london bus.TRAVEL SAFE MY ARSE.About half of my close calls does involve black cab drivers so don't fucking tell me to travel safe.
Dear People from Transport For London-I hope you are reading this.You can spend millions on cycling publicity,have a fucking cycling festival in Hyde Park every day and Tour de Fucking France every week,but CASTRATING everyone who passes the knowledge test may well be a better option.Or perhaps compulsory castration should go together with every car purchase.Situations like that one in Knightsbridge today fills me with so much hatred.So please excusse my language.Have a good night.

Londons Calling poster